Birthdays are so hard for me. Maybe it’s me missing that phone call at midnight from my Mom beating EVERYONE to the punch to wish me Happy Birthday so she can can say she was the first OR the fact that her presence is no longer here. I miss her so much…and yes, my heart still aches. I think about her every. single. day. The last birthday memory I have with her involves the warmest, unusually long hug and a card where she drew cute, little smiley faces with the caption, “I will always love you…Mom”.
It’s like she knew her transition was coming.
Grief consumed me for weeks leading up to my birthday. Then add the unexpected loss of one of the most amazing humans on the planet and one of my favorite artists. This definitely did not help the process.
My birthday or as some call “born day” is a reminder that I don’t have my Mom to wish me a “Happy Birthday”, and I can’t watch her beam with joy as she passes me gift bag after gift bag filled with all kinds of Happies of everything I never knew I needed. Only things my Mom could find, and without a doubt there would be a gift inside one of the bags from As Seen On TV. Our favorite! No matter my age, that feeling of excitement NEVER got old. I’ve been tremendously blessed with an amazing bonus family and friends-like-family, but it’s still not the same without your Mama.
Mama…my girl. My heart STILL breaks into one million pieces knowing that you are not here to celebrate the day you gave birth to me. My life is SO DIFFERENT without you here, and I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart because of it. But GOD! I keep telling myself…there has to be a purpose for it all.
“Your struggle is somebody else’s redemption.” Those are the words that someone recently shared with me. Grief is tricky, and yes, I have good days and not so good days—but through it all, I keep pushing. I can’t let this process be in vain.
One of my favorite quotes from Beyoncé’s Lemonade album is…
When your back gets against the wall and your wall against your back, who you call? Hey! Who you call? …You gotta call Him. You gotta call Jesus. You gotta call Him. You gotta call Him ’cause you ain’t got another hope.
Hope is all I got.
I guess it’s a good thing that Mama taught me to celebrate my birthday for an entire month and then some.
Happy Birthday to me!