My family is very small. My only sibling lives thousands of miles away. In my early 20’s, I watched my Father go through rounds of chemo, radiation therapy, and take his last breath right before my eyes. I also watched my Mother and best friend bounce back countless times like a warrior. But months ago, I watched her take her last breath only to find myself back in the same place.
I remember crying out, “Not like this. Please, God. Not like this.”
That was the moment my heart shattered. My Mother never prepared me for the heartbreak that is living life without her. I still remember the look on my Husband’s face as we made eye contact as he walked through the doors of the ER. He’ll never forget that moment either. He still chokes up thinking about the fear and brokenness that he saw in my eyes without me saying a single word.
You’ve probably heard people say, “be specific with your prayers.” I realized how imperative it was for me go to before God with those specifics, because we needed a healing. But it didn’t come. Not like I thought it would. “These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.” Hebrews 11:39-40
This is a place where the enemy can without a doubt make you feel rejected by God. The enemy doesn’t just use people to make us feel rejected, he will also use hardships and tragedy. I was in this place. He’ll even make you feel like God doesn’t love you. I felt my prayers for my Mom’s healing weren’t good enough. I even asked myself (and God) over and over why were my prayers not answered?. This wasn’t a sin issue. God had planned something better.
Resisting God’s promises will make us forget God’s promises. —Lysa TerKeurst
In Lysa’s book she says ” …if there’s an area of my life where I turn away from the direction of His truth—perhaps a place where I’ve been hurt by rejection and started believing lies about my God and who I am in Him—I deny myself protection of His truth.”
To witness someone you love…take…their last…breath…not once, but twice is beyond heartbreaking. It’s numbing and the pain is indescribable. How on earth will I make it through this?
Over the past few months I’ve felt like a wanderer. Waking up each day still feels like a dream. When tragedy or heartbreak knocks on the door, some people run away from God—but I just couldn’t. I needed Him…and even in the valley, I know that God is my only hope.
I’ve tried to figure out the best way to manage and heal from this heartbreak…searching for answers wherever they will greet me. I often search hoping they will help make this healing process easier. Then God gently interjects and reminds me that He’s got this…and that His ways are higher and the abyss of His knowledge and understanding can be trusted. He also reminds me that there is no reason why I should carry this burden when I can give it ALL to Him. For every heartbreak or seed of rejection, there is healing that goes far beyond what our eyes can see and what our flesh can feel. That healing can be found in Him.
God is a God of miracles who still operates with healing power, but He is more concerned about the condition of our souls than the condition of our flesh. —Chris Hodges
There’s something about God’s perspective, staying connected to Him and deeply rooted in the word that shifts your thoughts from temporal to eternal. The pain and heartbreak of this present world does not define who we are or measure how much God loves us. I know that no matter what hardships I face, that He will always be there for me (racoon eyes and all) with open arms helping me piece my life back together again.