It’s hard to believe that two years ago on Mother’s Day, out of all days, my life changed forever. I watched my beautiful Mother walk down the steps to greet me at the door (like she always did) of the home I grew up in, before heading to church. She even had on her best, and she was rocking her new ombré blonde “do” (bob) that I absolutely LOVED! I couldn’t wait for us to get to church! But what I did not know was that was going to be the last time that I would hear her voice, see her beautiful face, and watch her sassy self breathing, talking, living and doing what “Sarah the Diva” did best. I also later found out my pastor was sharing a message on Sarah in the bible (also my Mother’s name) part of our Running with the Giants series.
I know that she left me on that day. I remember the exact moment. The world stood still. LITERALLY. It was like something out of movie and I was actually hesitant to share that detail, because some people may think it’s creepy. When I felt the gust of wind go straight through my body, I knew in that moment she had gained her wings. I believe in my heart it was Spirit and Mama moving through me letting me know she was where she was longing to be. She was just waiting for us to accept her new life. I remember being so NUMB (still am). After several nights in the hospital, no shower, no food, no sleep, sitting in what felt like a below freezing hospital room while worship music and Adele 25 (one of her favorite albums) was playing — her transition was then declared on paper. I didn’t even want to share the news about her arrangements. I was in disbelief, mad, angry, hurt, confused, and utter shock that she was gone. It STILL doesn’t feel real. It hurts like hell to be honest. And I still can’t listen to Adele’s 25 album and a few songs off of Bethel Music’s Have It All album to this day.
It’s so easy to bury feelings of hurt and pain when you disconnect yourself from reality. It’s so easy to forget the life you had when you CHOOSE not to remember. But I don’t ever want to forget. I don’t ever want to forget my Mama.
Oh Mama…my girl. My heart STILL breaks into one million pieces every single time I think about that day. My life is SO DIFFERENT without you here. There are so many things I would do different. I have a huge gaping hole in my heart. But GOD! I know there has to be a purpose for it all. I thank God for surrounding me with the most amazing, life-giving people…an amazing family, Freedom group sisters, a loving church family (COTH), sister-friends, sands/sorors, and friends like no other. They showed up for me.
People always say share your story, because you never know who you may help. I value people who are authentic with their lives, and those who share their honest truth no matter how dark it may seem. I find so much beauty in transparency.
This past Sunday it hit me like a ton a bricks that another Mother’s Day (weekend) is approaching and it will be spent without my beautiful Mama. I know there are many others out there just like me with a HUGE chunk of their heart missing. The pain doesn’t go away, you just learn how to manage it. We have to trust and believe that this space we are living in is temporary. I know we may not understand it right now, but God is faithful, and one day we will.