You Would Think It Would Get Easier

I should have known something was wrong, because my Godfather never calls me in the middle of the day, especially while I’m at work. He tried his best not to sound hurt, sad, and broken. I didn’t even want to know, but I needed to know. That’s when he shared with me that his only son, my brother, passed away. My brother was gone.

I was angry, hurt, confused, and mad. We were just about to get our plane tickets so we could surprise them with a visit. I couldn’t wait to visit my brother, because I knew that it would pick up his spirits. I never got the chance.

To be quite honest, I didn’t think his death would affect me the way that it did. That was until I saw my Godparents, being around family, and so much love…and the abundance of love that we all had for him. I wonder if he knew how loved he was? I sure hope he did.

And then to see his son…

I took a deep breath when I saw his son for the first time in over a decade. I felt crushed, but I also smiled on the inside. My brother — in the flesh — is exactly what he was. Just a younger, cuter, and more cool/hip version of him. I hope my brother didn’t read this part.

It was refreshing, but it hurt. Especially knowing we were on our way to visit soon. But God always has the master plan, and He needed him more than we did.

You would think that death would get easier, but man my heart aches. Borderline numb. I’ve been here before, and I visit this place from time to time since the passing of my Mother. He was far too young to die, but he didn’t deserve to suffer either. They say a parent never wants to bury a child (no matter their age). I’ve lost both parents, but the pain my Godparents feel, I can’t even begin to imagine. And that’s what scares me.

God knows far better than we do, but living on this side, sometimes it’s hard to grasp. Not to mention, this world is becoming more and more foreign by the day—so I get it. It’s just a bitter pill to swallow, you know?

My heart is broken for so many reasons, but I know he will continue to live on in our hearts. I’ll never forget the summer we spent together. I watched him cut hair (he would put all these new-age barbers to shame), he taught me how to make French fries (in grease) and hamburgers, and he gave me my very first pair of Cross Colour shorts. That was a big deal for a middle-schooler planning to be a member of TLC for Dress-up Day circa 1994-ish.

I love you brother. You were SO LOVED and you ARE LOVE! I love you more than you can ever imagine. But when I see you again…you’ll know. Please keep watching over us, until we meet again.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

 

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Hello, I'm Artney and this is my space to write my way to healing. I hope to offer transparency and encouragement for anyone adjusting to the "new normal". You can also find me over at my food + lifestyle blog, My Pretty Brown Fit (myprettybrownfit.com) sharing about food, fitness, lifestyle, body positivity, and so much more. I'm glad that you are here!

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